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The Guiltless Affair
Sometimes I get excited when I talk to my husband about cheating. Story. Fornication. I can’t help but bring it up as I look into his guilty eyes, looking at some red around the collar, trying to catch a whiff of feminine perfume as he leans in to hug me and promise he won’t. , leave me for everyone else.
Despite my vigilance, I have yet to find any evidence that my husband is cheating. The center of his storage room is filled with smooth balls. The message on his work statement is simple and straightforward. The credit card statement isn’t without surprising charges, including the revelation that Hubs eats more barbeque for lunch than he’d admit. Okay, okay, I might be a hypocrite- but I just watched an episode of Liars and got tears in my eyes when Tammy from Two Tons screams “We have a baby! We got a baby together! this for me!” on her boyfriend of six years after he caught her in the Popeye’s parking lot with her roommate/sister/best friend.
I’m not alone in my snooping, though. Hubs likes to show up during the day sometimes, anonymously, to “see what I’m doing.” After going out of town with the kids a few months ago, I came home to find that they had gone through my entire bathroom cabinet, looking for God-knows-what. You are also welcome to Googling my old friends. I find this fascinating. I have told Hubs that I don’t want a relationship. But I have admitted that I really want someone to admire.
My admirer would be very attractive, enough to give my husband a break, but she would also be a supporter of romantic love and have a “look-but-don’t-touch-AT-EVER-even-when-you” repeat-slightly-drunk-and-nothing- round” type of intelligence.
Instead, my admirer is content to send me flowers (Casablanca flowers) and boxes of candy (Godiva) and books of poetry (Neruda), with the words, “When I saw you in the carpool this morning in the sun. your hair, I realized that I had never seen anyone or anything more beautiful. Or “You fold the canvas with grace and perfection that others can only dream of. Thank you for being you.” Or “You’re the hottest soccer mom this side of the Mississippi. Ah-OOO-gah!” I’m not particularly. It’s the thought that matters.
My husband may not like all the attention a lover can give me, but he has to put up with it because he has a lot of people who love him. The nature of his work is that people always come up to him and tell him how great he is. He likes to tell me these stories, which I counter with things like, “Oh, the same thing happened to me today. I was at the store and this guy came up and said, ‘I love your ability to save at least 25% off your grocery bill every time you shop!'” Hubs usually he sneers as I drift off in silence. But my admirer would stop this behavior.
“Hubs,” she says, taking my husband’s hand and shaking it wholeheartedly, “I hope you know you’re a very lucky man.” Hubs looks a little uncomfortable as he sees the firm handshake and the kind eyes of the admirer. That night, Hubs brought his own flowers and dinner and dancing. Or dinner and drinks, which is our style.
“Admirer,” I said when he called me five times a week, just to get the tone of my voice, “I can’t take your gifts anymore. You’ve been amazing. , but between you and me, I think Hubs is getting a little jealous.”
“Lucinda,” he whispered clearly and distinctly, “I’ll be content to admire you from afar, if that’s what it takes to make your life easier. The proof of that will be impossible for either of you to ignore.” Unfortunately, we both hung up.
After weeks of not hearing from my Admirer, my husband quietly brings me a copy of the Living section of the newspaper. “Local Artist Receives International Recognition for ‘Lucinda’ Series”, the headline read. Pictured next to her oil painting “Lucinda with the Sun in Her Hair” would be a Lover of Me, her burning, questioning eyes blazing through the press.
A short time later, I was named Parent Magazine’s Woman of the Year by someone else’s nomination. Hubs tries to pretend that he has sent letters, but the editor’s admission that “my ability to manage the life of my husband and three children and show inner peace and surprise the locals with my beauty” set me apart. and a free trip to New York.
By the end of that year, “Lucinda (Love of My Life)” topped the Adult Contemporary chart.
I would have joined the world’s most popular music group. Sometimes, Vogue or Vanity Fair make short work of me, even though I want to stay anonymous. The only pictures he could keep would be of me running between my minivan and my front door, using one arm to brace Baby and the football bag while holding the other in front of my big glasses—and Pucci. face covered with a scarf. Yet readers see the beauty of my face, the quick spring in my steps. Before long, I would have Admirers coming to my door from all over the world.
So you see, what’s dating besides a quick workout and lots of postcoital guilt? Admirer is the way to go. If you know of good candidates, I would be happy to review their qualifications…
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