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The Importance of Having A Strong Family Dynamic

For the first twelve years of my life I thought someone was my father and he wasn’t around. In hindsight he probably put two and two together and realized he wasn’t my father and instead of being mean and telling me I’m not your father he just disappeared from the picture.

The man who was really my father I knew that he was an old friend of my mother and that they were still friends. He would come from time to time and give me money and take me out to eat and try to chat with me.

In 1982 one day in December I don’t know the exact date but it was very close to Christmas, I entered the back door of my house and went to the kitchen and saw my mother and her ex boyfriend talking. He said hello he looked at me and smiled and my mom told me to go look in my Christmas Stocking, I went to my room and looked in my stocking inside it was a hundred dollar bill and a Sony walkman. I went out of my room to the kitchen and hugged him and said thank you.

He looked into my eyes and said “So when did you find out that I am your father?” I told him I didn’t know he was my father. He took my hand and walked with me to my room. I told him no, he said let’s wait a little longer. My mother joined us in the room and they both sat beside me and started to tell me what happened that day.

After a long chat he gave me his number and told me to call him anytime. It took me a while but I finished the song. I used to talk to him from time to time until one day I called him and his number was blocked and I didn’t hear from him for five months which really pissed me off. His fullness and abandonment came running at me like a quarterback being beaten.

On Thanksgiving Day in 1983, my father arrived at my grandmother’s house with his two daughters and introduced them to me and the rest of my family who were at my grandmother’s house for dinner. We all sat around the dining room table and after uncle blessed the food he looked at mom and said “Why does Cleo’s little one look exactly like Sheronda?” My mom said “Cleo is Sheronda’s father” and Cleo said “a girl can keep secrets right?” Everyone laughed and started eating, talking and having fun.

When he was leaving, my father apologized for not being in touch for five months and said it would never happen again. The following month my father and two sisters came to my grandmother’s house for Christmas. He told me to get my shirt and he took me to his mother’s house. I met his wife, his nine sisters and brothers and many of their children. I remember feeling like I was being shown, they all commented on how I looked like him and his youngest daughter Nikki and how beautiful I was. At the same time I felt comfortable and complete.

Over the years I was able to form a strong and loving relationship with my father and his side of the family. No it wasn’t easy but there is nothing worth living for. I see these events in my life because I lost my father on December 16, 2009 and this is the second person I lost who gave his life to show me that I am strong and worthy of respect. The first husband was my grandfather who was there from the time I was born until he died on February 8th 1998.

What I am saying is that children need men and women in their lives that they can depend on. Men you should not have a choice if you want to be in your children’s lives or not. Children are a gift from the Creator, not a sweater that you can return because you don’t like it. You have to take care of your own children before you take care of someone else’s children. You should not decide whether you will be in your children’s lives based on the relationship you have with their mother.

If you can’t agree with the parent and the children you have together, have a neutral party can be asked to lead the visit. Remember that this should be your last resort because if the children realize that the parents are not getting along they can take advantage of it.

Ladies, stop making decisions about whether your child should see his father because you are angry with him or he has wronged you. The only way a man should be denied visitation with their children is if they are dangerous to their children, not if they cheated on you.

If a man has children from previous relationships this is a way to find out if he would be a good father if you had a child. If you are doing more to their child than they are, this is a big sign that they are not a good father (You should be there to help the man maintain relationships with his children so that they don’t do their job as a father). If a man blames everyone for not spending time with their children, what does that tell us about the man’s desire to be a good father?

It’s up to us as women, women, we must stick together and be united, remember that there are three sides to every story, theirs, yours, and the truth. In other words keep your mind open you’re only hearing half the story and when you’re working on half the story you’re working on half the truth and it doesn’t work. So remember to always keep the child interested and everything else will happen.

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