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The Basic Needs of a Man
With a title like this for a book I am assuming that many of the readers will be women. Curiosity will get the better of the ladies who see the title and may want to know for themselves what someone is saying about men. Many of the women reading this will probably say that men only have two needs. Sex and something cold to drink. That is cruel and heartless ladies. We are not as shallow as we look and act. We have feelings, we can be hurt. Stop laughing.
The 21st Century man has had to make a lot of adjustments. No more getting by with just grunting and muttering. Men have had to learn to be communicators at work, at play and in relationships. That is not to say that men have not always been deep on the inside, but, they’ve been able to get away with keeping that side of their personalities hidden. No more. The time to reveal our TRUE manhood is now. Are you ready ladies? Do you really want to find out what the basic needs of a man are? Read on and be enlightened. At the end of this book you will look upon the male race with a whole new respect, or at least not laugh as much as you used to. Be kind and patient with us. We are learning and I hope you will learn something about us too. Thanks for reading. (That includes you guys who are reading this in secret because you don’t want anyone to think you are a softie.)
The Need to Be Loved
Hard to imagine I know but men really do have a need to be loved. As children men enjoyed receiving love from parents and other family members. They enjoyed being praised and told how special they were. As they got older this need never went away. It didn’t show itself as much as the men got in to their teen years and older but deep inside their souls was a voice crying out, “Love me.” For some strange reason men acquire this “macho” exterior and try to show an indifference to life. What that means is they try to convey and attitude of steel, that things don’t affect them. In reality the opposite is true. Men are affected by all sorts of things that are thrown at them. They get discouraged, embarrassed, hurt, and disappointed. Their insides are churning through all of this but their outer image is one of someone who doesn’t care or isn’t affected by events.
A guy’s heart gets broken just like a woman’s. When a girl breaks up with a guy he might cry when he is alone. He probably pines for her and wants to send her sweet love notes or poems but his pride prevents him. All of this started in the Garden of Eden when Adam ate the fruit and then blamed Eve when God came around. Eve may have influenced Adam but he had a choice not to eat the fruit but being a lamebrain he ate it. Once he ate it he knew he was in trouble and immediately looked around for someone else to blame. Eve was nice and handy. Of course she turned around looking for someone to blame and there was only her and Adam so the serpent got the blame. God decided that all three of them were in trouble and kicked them out of the Garden of Eden. Hence you and have to work for a living instead of sitting around all day naming animals and eating fruit. Thanks Adam and Eve, and the serpent too.
Why are men so reluctant to show their need for love? Fear of rejection. Men are afraid of being rejected by their partner, their parents, their friends, their co-workers, and their bosses. Putting on an exterior of toughness helps to prevent pain, or so men think. In reality it only makes the healing process harder as men have more to struggle through to get to healing.
What can men do to overcome the pride issue and admit their need to be loved? They can start by being honest with themselves. Many men have hidden their true feelings to the point they don’t even know they have them anymore so they need to face up to the facts and admit to themselves that they have a need to be loved. After that they need to admit it to those they love; their partners, their children, their parents. Once you admit your need for love you become open to receive it. When you are not open to it, guess what? You can’t receive it. Hence many men go along in life with a chip on their shoulders or angry all the time, or spiteful or mean. They are not receiving love because they haven’t opened themselves to it.
So guys, learn to realize the power of love. The more you have inside you, the more you can give to others. Don’t you want to love your partner more? Your kids, your parents, your friends. Only a birdbrain would say no, I don’t want to love people more, I am happy being a miserable old sod. Take stock of your life today and open your mind, your heart, and your sprit to a world that may be new to you. A world filled with the capacity to give and receive love. Your whole life will change. Those around you will be happier and will react differently to you from now on. Their happiness levels will increase as will yours. Isn’t that something to get excited about?
What about those guys who will close the doors and not be open to this? Unfortunately they will carry on doing what they have always done; act tough, act unaffected by others, pretend they don’t have feelings or emotions. They will argue that they have gotten through life fine up until now, why do they need to listen to me? Let me suggest that if you are one of these guys that you take a good, long, hard look at your life up to today. Take a look in every room in your mind and your heart. What do you see? Do you see cleanliness, contentment, happiness? Or do you see emptiness, anger, loneliness, sadness, despair, and striving for acceptance? I would hazard a guess that you have some of those areas still lingering.
Why am I so confident about this? Because I, like all men, have had them in my life too. I have allowed cobwebs to form on the inside of my rooms and not dusted or cleaned them out, resulting in shadows, dark areas, empty areas which needed to be filled with joy but I wouldn’t open the doors and let the light and the love in. My loss.
‘Don’t judge me by what I have done but rather by what I am capable of doing.”
Do you want to change? Do you want to become who you really should be? I hope you answer yes. It is for your own sake as well as your loved ones that you need to change and admit your need for love. All men need alone time; all women need alone time. As a guy. you still need your buddies to interact with. None of that needs to change unless it is bad for your most important relationships. The change I am talking about is an internal change in your heart and your mind. A new way of thinking. Learn to thank others for their love. When you come home tomorrow walk up to your partner and thank them for loving you. Thank your children for being your children and for loving you. Tell them how much it means to you have their love in your life. The more you express it the more it will mean to you and the more important it will become in your life. Learn to constantly express love and thanks to those most important to you. Trust me; you will see a lot of changes take place.
When your children feel like they are important to you and they play a major role in your happiness they will become more loving, more committed to you because they will be drawn to your open heart. This in turn will fill your life with joy and happiness. Your outlook on life will change. You will look for opportunities to do things together as a family. Suddenly a night with the boys at the bar won’t have near the appeal it used to have. Board game night with the family will become one of the most exciting parts of your week. Don’t believe me? Try it and see.
Now you know you have a need for love all you have to do is believe it, admit it, and open yourself to others to receive it and give it. You won’t be disappointed
The Need for Quiet
One of the hardest things for women to understand about men is their need for quiet. Because women tend to be more communicative verbally, they assume that if men are being quiet they are not communicating. When quite the opposite is true. Men communicate very often through lack of noise.
If a woman is sitting with her partner in a room and he is quiet but appears content, rejoice, he is happy. If a man is not happy with his partner or the relationship it will show up in his facial expression and his body language. On the other hand if he is happy that too will show up on his face. By being quiet it is not a reflection on his partner, it actually means he is comfortable around her and can relax and be quiet and just enjoy her presence. Ladies does that sound difficult to understand? Don’t worry all will be revealed as we go through this book and by the time we finish men and women will know men like the back of their hands.
Women need to allow men a time for quiet in the relationship. It may be when he is watching TV or reading a book or just lying on a couch with his eyes closed. Ladies, guys hate it when you talk while you are both watching TV or a movie. Men tend to focus on what they are doing at that particular time. If you are watching a movie together he is concentrating on the movie. That is not a good time to expect him to be up for talking about visiting your parents or changes you want to make to your house or apartment.
To truly communicate as a couple you both need to set aside a time every day that is wrap-up time. This time can be used to bring each other up to date on what has happened during your day and how you are feeling. It is also a good time to discuss upcoming activities or any challenges or difficulties either of you feel have crept in to the relationship. Once this time is finished don’t expect him to dwell on it too long, he has gone on to ponder other things. A woman on the other hand will ponder it more and analyze the man’s body posture, the words he used, the tone he said the words in and try and figure him out. This can cause problems because she can read things in to a situation that are not there.
By allowing the man a time for quiet it shows you respect him as a man and are comfortable with him. This makes him feel appreciated and confirms that the two of you are in sync. Ladies, don’t try and analyze this too much. It will be hard for him to explain but he still needs this quiet time. Just enjoy the moments with him. Listen to music on your iPod or read a good book but because you are in the room with him it will feel like you are enjoying each other’s company. Men appreciate each other in silence. They don’t need to talk a lot to communicate. That is not to make excuses for a man; he does need to express himself more but compromise will go a long way towards creating harmony in the relationship.
The Need to Be Heard
This may sound like a strange need but it is actually an important one. Men receive a lot of credibility in their own minds by having other people listen to their opinions and thoughts. As his partner he needs you to listen to him, encourage him and praise him when he comes up with a good idea. Acceptance is very important to the male. That is why the man is so macho about providing for his family, makes him feel appreciated and wanted; all important needs for a man. This goes both ways of course. Women also need to be heard but we forget sometimes that men need it just as much.
When a man is feeling like he has failed he may not be able to articulate his feels, mainly because he doesn’t know how to. Expressing his feelings verbally can be difficult for a man; not impossible, but difficult. As his partner look for the signs on his face and in his body movements that tell you he is trying to say something that he needs to be heard. Through time and patience you will learn to recognize those traits in him and you will be able to respond accordingly.
His partner needs to be open to the man sharing his way and in his time. It is not as verbose as women are when it comes to sharing. Two women can meet for coffee and talk for hours at a time. Two men meet for coffee and they are finished in fifteen minutes. In those fifteen minutes though each man can have communicated enough information to keep the other satisfied that he knows everything about his buddy. A woman needs to understand this about a man. He doesn’t share a lot verbally with men either; it is not just women he doesn’t verbalize with. But, and this is a big but, he does communicate a lot in actions and movements. A slap on the back, a nudge in the side; these kinds of communications say a lot to men from men. It says I care, I understand, I am here for you. A man can’t go around slapping his partner on the back or nudging her in the side, she might slap him up the side of the head.
Just accept the fact that men communicate differently but they do need to be heard. They need to know that their partner cares enough about them to take the time to listen to them in their way. It might sound tough but you can do it ladies; I know you can.
The Need for Intimacy
I know what you are thinking ladies; sex is not intimacy. Pardon me for saying so but it is very intimate and it does have emotional consequences for the man even if he does not realize it at the time. Men like physical contact with a woman. The need for sex is great in a man. He has to learn to harness that with his emotions so that sex is also an emotional thing. Keeping sex from a man in a relationship is not going to help him be more emotional. In fact, it will have the opposite effect; he will withdraw and become moody. Because he gets a lot of his self-esteem from pleasing his partner physically when this doesn’t happen he feels rejected and a failure
Because a man gets a lot of emotional satisfaction from sex it is very important to him. His feeling of accomplishment and success as a lover build his self-esteem. Praise for his lovemaking skills from his partner is very important to him. If he has satisfied her physically he naturally assumes he has satisfied her emotionally because he is satisfied emotionally. He has to learn, and ladies, you have to help the men with this, that emotional fulfillment for a woman is different than it is for a man. She needs to be told she is loved, appreciated, wanted, and that she satisfies him physically more than any other woman could. Helping your male partner understand this will go a long way towards helping him learn.
Ask a man pointed questions. Instead of asking him if he loves you ask him what feelings he has inside of him when he thinks of you. Words like love, commitment, marriage, and the like scare a man because he is afraid of such things. He doesn’t want to get hurt so he steers away from those words. If you ask him what are his long-term goals for life; what makes him truly happy every day, where does he see the two of you in ten years? Questions like these will get a much better answer from him and help him to be clear in his thinking and explanations. Women just have to learn how to phrase a question to get the answer they really want. That is why women have to understand that asking a man the same question you ask a woman will not get the same kind of answer. Men are analytical. They analyze and dissect issues and problems. Women deal with problems head on; they want to get them resolved immediately. No messing around. Men have to ponder an issue, quietly, before they can start trying to resolve it.
Example. The screen door needs fixing. You tell him the problem and assume it will be taken care of immediately. He on the other hand has to analyze the best way to deal with the problem and it may get put on the back burner. Solution. Here is what you say to the man.
Honey, I am going to Home Depot. What supplies would you like me to pick up to fix the screen door?
Either he will be thrilled and tell you what he needs or he will panic and say he will go with you to get the supplies which is his way of saying he doesn’t trust you to get the right stuff. Either way you win. You get the supplies and now the problem must be resolved because you have created the solution for him. That is a lot easier and more productive than nagging him to fix the screen door. Does that help ladies? I hope so. You can apply this principle to every situation you come up with. Don’t ask him a direct question; phrase your thoughts in such a way as to give him no option but to answer. I am sure you will get good at it and your life will be a lot easier.
I hope this few thoughts on the Basic Needs of a Man will help women and men communicate more easily and allow women in particular to understand the male mind in a more productive and fulfilling way.
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