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The Dish: Nothing Korny

When ESPN announced that Tony Kornheiser would be the host of Monday Night Football, I smiled.

I used to watch Pardon The Interruption all the time, and as the show got old and tired (probably because the wizards at ESPN Original Entertainment sucked their life out of trying to put it on any other show on the network), Kornheiser was and is its undisputed star. In addition, Tony the Tone-Deaf had a great show on ESPN Radio, where he refused to ask stupid questions, and had real opinions about things. Even if Dennis Miller’s attempt didn’t work (I didn’t think it was the disaster that so many others did), surely the highly skilled Kornheiser would bring the goofball comedy to the big time.

On the contrary.

Last Monday, which featured the Oakland Raiders at the Minnesota Vikings, was one of the worst telecasts I’ve ever seen. Mike Tirico gets a pass, because even though he’s the leading man, he’s just a character, and therefore doesn’t have the chance to inject his own personality (which, frankly, seems to be few and far between). But the combination of Kornheiser and the insufferable idiot Joe Theismann (I like Theismann’s words: “No one in the game of football should be called namatetule. A namatetule is someone like Norman Einstein”) was me reaching the mute button faster than you could. say “Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire.”

First of all, can someone please tell Tony to place the earphone very carefully against his noggin? While Tirico and Theismann sounded like they were, you know, inside the building, Kornheiser seemed to be broadcasting from a fish tank in Washington-DC. Then, here are the first two things Tony the Tongue-Tied said: “You’re just playing a nationally televised game in the opening game, and you want to crawl into the hole!” and “Reggie Bush is the type of player people pay money to see.” Oh. Way to get out there, Tone! Theismann, a broadcaster who never met a dead horse he couldn’t beat, looks like Norman Einstein by comparison. (By the way, did you know Theismann played the game? Yes, you did, because he reminds you every 30 seconds.)

Kornheiser would be a breath of fresh air in a profession – a commentary of sorts – ruled by a jock-ocracy: players who have learned 11 cliches to sound good to anyone who is half-listening. (Put a Fox broadcast on another day; without fail — and with the exception of Troy Aikman — a gorilla stuffed into a network blazer will say “play hard!” at least ten times.) So far, however, Kornheiser has said he’s swallowed his personality, and is caught in the middle of being funny. and have everything worth saying. At least Dennis Miller came out, and talked about the Plantagenets.

What key points can we glean from a full weekend of preseason games?

Bodog.com Bookmakers, BoDog.com: Let’s start with a quote from Clinton Portis: “I hurt myself in a game that I have no business with.” You said it, Clinton! The stars are no more than ducks in this game. So even if everyone who bet on Philly in the Hall of Fame Game was throwing darts at Andy Reid’s posters (does he make that up?) can you tell him why he played fourth-string QB Timmy Chang for much of the second half. ? Pre-season football is scary. Coaches have been training nervously until Week 1.

What in the world has St. Louis Cardinals? Do you see them missing the playoffs? Does he have any shot at going to the World Series?

BDB, BoDog.com: The Cards still have a shot at the World Series. Yes, they are 4-6 in their last 10, but the Dodgers are 9-1. That’s just crazy, as is anyone who questions the Wild Card’s place on the cards. Just look at who you are searching for.

Can you give us a preview of who you think will be the MVPs of the American and National Leagues, and tell us why?

BDB, BoDog.com: The closing MVP contests are usually decided in September, but who doesn’t love Big Papi right now? Ortiz and his myth-making game can leave it, as should Pujols in the NL. Had he not been injured this year, we may have seen a run in the record books. However, 35 home runs, 95 ribbies and 87 runs aren’t too shabby with a .329 average in mid-August.

What are your thoughts on the fourth golf tournament this weekend, the PGA in Medina? And Tiger and the rest? Are people crazy about betting on guys who aren’t one of the world’s best golfers?

BDB, BoDog.com: You’re not crazy enough to pay big bucks for a golf tournament, but when it comes to the PGA Championship, the big boys come to play. Tiger, Phil and Vijay have split five of the last eight.

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