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Paint Your Holiday the Way You Want It to Be

Shirley’s husband of 42 years died suddenly of a heart attack. Brittany’s husband served in the US Army in Iraq for the past 9 months. This is supposed to be their first Christmas together, but they are not home. Martha does not live at home and lives in an assisted living facility; his family is far away. Stuart’s son died; everyone asks how his wife is doing, but no one asks how she is feeling. Shelley is recently divorced and lives with her mother, again.

There is a myth that holiday grief only affects people who have died. The reality is that holiday sadness and anxiety affect many people—all of whom are experiencing life transitions that are hard to find because of the weather. For everyone, holiday celebrations will change; and they will not be as they were.

Perhaps, you remember the drawings and covers of Saturday Evening Post in the 50s and 60s? Norman Rockwell’s paintings always told a story. His paintings depicted American life and values. People rushed to newsstands to buy the popular magazines and find rapture in the pictures he took. It’s time Send it ended in 1963, but his artistic works continued to tell the stories of life as it was before.

In our lives today, whether we grew up in the Norman Rockwell era or not, we create visual images worthy of Norman Rockwell’s holiday paintings. In our minds, we remember a “good” holiday event with good feelings around it. Rockwell’s holiday themes depict a mystical Santa, full of wonder; laughing children, and perfect families enjoying parties as a family; festive foods; build snowmen; and chasing the postman. Everything in her pictures is perfect. Rockwell once said, “I paint life the way I want to.”

We are influenced by the great paintings of artists such as Rockwell. If only life were always “the way we want it to be.” Unfortunately, the reality of life is sometimes harsh. We try to avoid them by misinterpreting the truth and creating fairy tales of happiness. We struggle with holiday sadness and we follow myths that mess with our hidden feelings of the holidays to come. Grief and the holidays come loaded with many myths.

What is a myth?

A myth is a myth or something that is not true and can be passed down from generation to generation, like a legend. It is often a story of fiction or conjecture that cannot be verified. Myths, however, are an easy thing to believe-because we want to believe it.

The grief from death makes us vulnerable to many myths. Things are not what they seem. Our beliefs and thoughts are the most powerful forces in our lives. We have an idea of ​​what a vacation should be based on past vacations and the “ideal” vacation. Most of the time, our thoughts on the holidays can be just a myth. We believe that everything must be perfect or the holiday is not worth celebrating.

What holiday do you think this year is? Is it a season full of doom and gloom or can you let go of your sadness and create a Norman Rockwell-style holiday where all is well? Or, the best holiday it can be.

It is possible to change the myth and create a new reality that will help you get through this season with grace and wisdom, in your control. Here are a few ideas on how to uncover these myths and replace them with a new reality.

Myth: Holiday sadness starts around Christmas Day and ends after New Year’s Day or when the decorations come down.

The truth: The holidays may start early for some people. In fact the holidays can start as early as Halloween. At our house, the holidays started before deer hunting season. We often met the first snow and the men began to celebrate the “spirit” of deer hunting while the women began to build the “spirit of the season” by shopping. This was a tradition.

When our son, Chad, died, the tradition stopped burning. The sad truth was—hunting wasn’t as fun as it used to be, and Chad wasn’t going. Some friends gave us a DVD of Chad on one of his last shack hunting parties. It had been 14 years since he died. The DVD was placed on our table, because we were both afraid to see the picture and lose it again. Finally, we played the DVD and with tears of great joy (and sadness) we saw the spirit of our beautiful baby who loved to “go around”, dance, and hang out with boys. It was a “good” cry.

The holidays still start hunting season for us, but it’s not hunting anymore. Gary stopped hunting, but I didn’t stop shopping. The goal was not Christmas and presents, but to host a holiday program of mourning and enjoy a lasting bond with family and friends.

So how do you dispel myths and create a sustainable vacation? Plan the duration of your vacation…whether it’s a week, a few days or however long you think the “hard time” will be. Create your own sign that tells you when the time is up. For us, the line is lowering the Christmas tree. It’s our brand relief that the holidays are over and we can go back to routine.

Be prepared for awkward moments and thoughtless questions and comments. You will find them. In your mind, think about how you would answer and keep repeating the answer. Plan your escape. If you are in “recorded”, drive your car. Or have an excuse when you want to leave. You know the time.

I can picture Norman Rockwell portraying today’s events. I see the “get away” car parked neatly on the side of the road with the engine running while Uncle Jack pats you on the back and says, “You’re strong. Keep a dry mouth.”

Fiction: At meetings, it is not appropriate to mention fond memories of our deceased loved one. It makes others uncomfortable.

Fact: The holidays are a time for reflection. Remembering our loved one is essential to our health and healing. Stories and memories will stay with us throughout our lives and are what give us joy.

Create a safe space and remember aloud. Say his name and laugh at the rich stories of life. She shed tears and followed by saying quietly, “I still love you.” Teach others that love lasts; what you need to remember; and this is your reality for dealing with grief.

I can picture Norman Rockwell portraying this scene today. The family can be gathered around a relaxed, well-photographed collection using the hottest art of scrapbooking. It is a collection of timeless images that tell the story of his life through the footsteps, various mementos, anecdotes and written interpretations of a particular event or day. A memorial candle burns softly on the same table. Family and friends of all ages share the experience with a variety of expressions: smiles, tears, laughter, pointing fingers, and hugs.

False: Traditions are things you do year after year, and should never be changed.

The truth: Just because we always do it this way doesn’t mean we can’t infuse our celebration with new ideas that are relevant to this generation of life and the current time.

Every family goes through life changes – and these changes affect how traditions are continued or broken. Kids leave and go to college. Parents are “empty” and “snowbirds.” Young people want to spend more time with their friends than with their family during the holidays. Old parents don’t want to cook; so, they can choose the food.

Sometimes, we seem to outgrow traditions like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Perhaps a death in the family is one of these times that means “let’s try something new.”

So how do you dispel this myth and create a sustainable vacation? Make yourself at home. Consider what has changed in other families as well as your own. If traditions bring up unpleasant memories, change them. Don’t be a puppet and let others tell you how to spend your day. There are no set rules. Make it a family competition on who can come up with the best “new” tradition. It’s nice to be proud of traditions that work.

I can picture Norman Rockwell showing this scene today with the Christmas tree lit up in red, blue, orange and fuchsia pink LED lights and grandma and grandpa playing a fun game of WII Bowling on the big plasma TV. (Bet he beat the grandkids!)

Lie: By the time the second holiday season rolls around, I’ll have let go of my grief and gone back to old ways.

The truth: The second holiday can be as miserable as the first. And for many, returning to old holiday traditions is no longer necessary.

The second holiday season for us was not as easy as I first thought. But since we changed the customs during the first holiday season, it was easy to admit that the change was good, and we wanted to do it again.

Remember that grief is a process that requires different time to heal for each of us. Do not rush the process. If the second holiday is still a little painful, you can try the third one – and now work to remove the obstacles between peace and the past. The holidays don’t always have the precious moments of years past, but that doesn’t mean the holidays can’t be good.

A real positive influence on overcoming holiday grief is “giving to someone else.” Giving means not a gift, but time and yourself. There are many people in need in every community. Volunteers for charity events. Ring the Salvation Army bell. Select the name of the gift from the Gift Tree. Do something for someone who “feels good.”

I can picture Norman Rockwell depicting this change in life by painting bereaved mothers and fathers eating a meal in a large kitchen in a dormitory or comforting someone in need with a loving hand on the shoulder. A church bell tolls softly outside the window as snowflakes filter through the street light. The bright star-star of HOPE shines brightly in the distance.

Hope is the mind of the soul, and the power of life. It challenges myths and creates new realities. Norman Rockwell’s paintings today can be very different from what they used to be. His gift shows human qualities that show great sensitivity to the sufferings of life. Although they showed “life the way I want it,” new parables would testify to the triumph over grief—and life “the way it is.” This year be like Norman Rockwell, create a new canvas. Plan your vacation the way you want.

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