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UFO: Keeping the Human Gnome off Mars
Last night I was perusing: http://www.msss.com/moc_gallery/r22_s04/mc03.html because Mars is on a close approach to earth and lots of amateur astronomers are out in their back yards snapping pics.
I misplaced my camera, so there was no use getting out my telescope from the shelf in the garage. I decided I could get a close look at the planet by looking at the pics at the above site.
Looking at my choices from the Mars Global Surveyor Mars Orbiter Camera Image Gallery, I chose MOC Narrow-Angle Image Gallery: Mars Chart 03: Arcadia.
The reason was that I spotted a colony of some kind on Mars! I didn’t know if it was a human colony or not, so I decided to zoom in closer. I still couldn’t tell. That’s when Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 popped in.
Xrytspet said, “I see that is the gallery arranged by Mars Chart, the 1:5,000,000 series of maps produced by the U. S. Geological Survey.”
I said, “You can read, Xrytspet!”
She wiggled her ears and said, “What are you so puffed up about?”
She sat on my lap. “We’ve got a little job for you.”
I said, “Will you get off my lap. My wife is in the other room knitting Christmas socks 30, 31, 32 for our new triplets and 33 for our new great granddaughter. She could come in here at any time.”
“Not likely in this decade,” said Xrytspet.
“What do you want?” I said.
“Your presence at that colony you discovered on mars.”
“I’m not going to Mars, Xrytspet. It’s a hostile place not fit for humans. Giant sand storms–“
“Oh, don’t be such a fizzpooper! It could be fun!”
I said, “It seems that your idea of fun and mine are not the same. Giving me that Phendroop from your Phendroop dispenser in the desert was not my idea of fun!”
“I didn’t force it on you, did I?”
“No, but you could have told me it was a space-age enema in pill form.”
“I though it was funny, hearing all that rumbling in your gut and then seeing you flying across the desert to find a spot where–“
(For those who missed it, go to the article UFO: How I met Xrytspet.)
I said, “Enough, Xrytspet!”
She hugged me and said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. is on the lawn. Let’s go!”
I said, “You go on your wild goose chase. I’m staying right here.”
Of course with Xrytspet, you have no choice in such matters. On the way she told me that she had been assigned to be Chair of the Keeping the Human Gnome off Mars Committee.
I said, “And you are taking me to Mars!”
“It’s a risk,” she said. “But if we don’t show the Martians what you look and smell like, they won’t know that the Human Gnome must be kept off mars and out of space.”
I said, “The reason we humans must be kept out of space is that we act mostly like crocodiles.”
She said, “The reason you must be kept out of space is that you can’t keep your runny noses out of other creature’s business. Besides, you are loaded with disease.”
I said, “The reason we must keep humans out of space is that we corrupt all the space we occupy.”
She said, “The reason we must keep your gnome out of space is that you poop too much.”
I said, “The reason we must keep humans out of space is–“
Xrytspet said, “We’re here!”
It was a village!
We dropped into what looked like a bakery hoping for a snack after our long-distant, short-time journey. There was no one there but the ovens were still warm and there were square donuts with square holes on the counter. We ate seventeen of these and I left a five-dollar bill on the counter.
Xrytspet said, “Save your money. There is no life here!”
I said, “What about the warm donuts?”
She said, “You looked hungry. I decided to give you an allusion.”
I said, “If it was an allusion, then why is my tummy full?”
She answered, “So it wasn’t an illusion, but I’ve got some very bad news for you and the United States of America.”
I said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. is out of pumpkin seeds and we can’t get back to earth.”
She said, “The Fnl7 Time Craft. is fueled by the Xempler B29BS19444322 Particle Beam Double Thrust Engine. It can use grains of wheat as fuel if it has to.”
“So, what’s the bad news other than I have to be here on Mars with you instead of Paris Hilton?”
She said, “Now you and Paris Hilton! That would be a brain trust!”
I said, “I was just being facetious.”
She said, “See that plaque over there?”
I said, “I didn’t notice it until now. But I can’t read it. I only know áóìàãà, îêíî, and ÷àé.”
Xrytspet translated the plaque for me. It said:
From January 17 to June 14, 1969 the 17-man crew of êîñìè÷åñêèé êîðàáëü indoctrinated the residents of this site to the Soviet ïÿòü ãîä Plan. One of these residents will be placed on public display in the Huge Mammal Exhibit at the Moscow Zoo. The crew was anxious to watch the first moon landing by the United States on July 20, 1969. They hurried home to see it.
Xrytspet said, “There could be an old Russian or two around here.”
I said, “Why?”
She said, “Well, the êîñìè÷åñêèé êîðàáëü had a 15-man crew. Some àñòðîíàâòc would have had to be left behind because there would be–“
That is what I said.
That’s when this shaggy old man came down the street. He had an ugly look on his face and did not say ïðèâåò!”
Xrytspet said, “We don’t have room for him either!”
As we scampered to the Fnl7 Time Craft., I said, “ïðîùàíèå!”
copyright©John T. Jones, Ph.D. 2005
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