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My Personal Story of Incest
This is a personal journey of survival and healing, and I hope to inspire and inform.
(incest – refers to any intercourse between closely related people (usually within a family) that is forbidden or prohibited by society.)
I was adopted as a baby in a family. I was one year old when the babysitting job ended and I went home to be with them. When I was four or five years old the first family attack happened. When I was a baby I had the same relationship with my mother and father as if they were my biological parents. All the sexual violence was very cruel, gradually as I grew up more and more, my father used cruel mind games on me and twisted the truth and twisted my thoughts to suit his needs. Many times I was beaten unconscious, three times I was beaten so hard that I thought I was going to die. He had 2 natural born children and one time he put a gun to my brothers head and said he was going to blow his brains out. We, including the mother, were beaten and tortured every day. I’m not going to be specific because it’s not helpful in any way and it only attracts enemies and chases away survivors because it can be very weird and painful to read.
For the first 3 or 4 years of my life I believed it was normal. For the next 8 to 9 years I was in untold misery at the hands of a Psychopath Pedophile. Like an unborn child I would fight him and curse him and he would beat me mercilessly. I ran away several times and each time I returned home once with the police and once with a concerned family. The severity and length of such brutality broke me inside, broke my mind into a million pieces all shattered and shattered his mind. When I was 12 years old the beating of a family member finally ended the reign of terror because my father left and moved to California to work at an elementary school as a bus driver.
What follows is my journey of grieving over what happened and slowly recovering. By sharing this with the world I hope to reach out to fellow survivors with the goal of encouraging and perhaps discovering a path to recovery. Not everyone can relate to me, not everyone’s torture was this bad, some survived worse. No matter what level you go through I still believe that by sharing my struggles and my healing journey with you that you can find inspiration and take away this insight or other knowledge that can affect your life and be useful.
For 8 years of incest my goal was to survive to grow up to escape and be freed. (Little did I know at the time that being free would mean 8 years of hard work in intensive therapy groups.) As a child I clung to the belief that somewhere, somehow I would find a place with people who would love me and not abuse me. me. I stuck to that belief; it helped me to think clearly and that wonderful hope helped me to live. When I was very young and family violence happened I blocked the memory of it as soon as the violence stopped. I didn’t know it happened. I became wary and afraid of something trying to destroy me but I couldn’t tell you what it was. As the family adultery continued I learned to separate myself from my body completely and even sometimes I remembered floating and looking down at the scene. I was a light sleeper and the slightest sound would wake me up immediately. Little by little the full weight and weight of the memories and the innumerable abuses of intimate sex began to dawn on me and I began the impossible task of suppressing the emotions and trying to control the actual chaos in my mind. My dissociation from the body during the abuse was a relief and helped me survive but I gradually realized that I was maintaining a constant level of dissociation from my body. This was a problem because someone grabbed my hand once or twice and I looked down to realize I had a hand and it was small and warm in their hand. I will talk more about this in future posts.
I tried as a child to stop the abuse by telling my friends, strangers, teachers. I told a police officer in Louisiana that I was being tortured and he didn’t help me and he took me home because I was running away and my father saw me being delivered home by a police car and later he beat me until I passed out. I told my mother, my grandmother, and the neighbors that I was being abused, no one helped me, they left me and my grandmother beat me a lot, accusing me while yelling at me. I was alone.
(here: when a child tells you that he is being abused by his father, the last person you mention is your father or your family. You are putting the child’s life at risk because of me. My father was very happy to beat me. Sometimes I thought he was going to kill me, I thought I was dying.)
So when I told the concerned person that I was being abused, called Child Welfare, I had started high school and when I was taken out of class to go to the counselor’s office I was in such fear for my life that was my first option that came. too late… because one time my father held a gun to my brothers head and told my brother that he was going to blow his brains out, so I thought that maybe this person will kill one or all of us. So I did what I thought I should do and refused everything, crying bitterly; that the social worker begged me to come forward and protect me but I don’t see how and my fear has settled in me and since I spent so long in danger of the evil person to kill me when I was so close. freedom so I refused everything, in tears, fearing for my life. It was too late.
My mother and father divorced when I was 12 years old and their last abuse was public humiliation. But when I was 17 years old I moved from my hometown and among all these people I lived for nine years without talking to anyone in my family. But my father, I decided not to talk to him anymore.
So if you find yourself in the midst of abuse seek help, you need to be safe and from the 70s when I was trying to get help until now, there is a great awareness of sexual relations and many places to go for help. I hope my posts will help give you hope in your healing journey.
The experience left me with a chaotic mind and a body that was weak and out of touch with reality. All the most terrible and terrible thunders, pain, shame, shame, disgust, all kinds of feelings are common and they do with time and advice they are like whispers that you can’t hear and when you walk in the dark, believe it. you will find the end of the tunnel and you will come out in search and your heart will rise with joy and peace and love. I know because I am out in the light and have been out of the sun for years it is easier. Please wait and receive inspiration from me. I have come back into the darkness to write to you, to hold your hand and say come with me into the darkness and into the summer sun. Take courage and walk with me on this journey, you are no longer alone.
Let me tell you, from the bottom of your heart, you need to get professional help and commit to not being like those people. Don’t let the bully win. Incest is a natural violence, stand up here and now, don’t let incest pass from you to your children’s generations. Now your real journey to recovery and recovery begins. Be brave and take it slow this is not something that can be rushed.
In Dallas you can seek Pastoral Counseling and Education and Incest Recovery Fellowship. Both organizations helped me to begin my recovery. My personal blog is not intended to be a professional substitute. Books to read…No One Ever Cried for Me, A Broken Heart, Tough Love, The Shack.
You may not know, right now, how your abuse has changed your thoughts, your behavior, your beliefs, your sexuality, self-esteem, self-confidence, future relationships, everything about you has been changed by your abuser but now is the time to do it. in a lost place. Recover your thoughts by doing this: think about its origin to know if it is rooted in truth or based on the abuser’s lies.
These are simple examples, there are deeper and more complex thoughts in all of us:
At first I felt that I deserved to be treated badly. Well that’s just not true. It’s a lie from my father that he used as part of his mind over me.
I thought I was a bad person and because of my problem. Well that’s not really true. It’s a lie that was once again set up by my father to shame me and control me.
Research the thoughts you have and write them down please do this with a counselor to be safe and make sure you get to the truth. Take that thought or belief to its roots and find out if it is rooted in truth or lies and this is how you truly begin to be free.
Dallas Pastoral Counseling and Education Center and The Family Place are good organizations to check out. Another great book, “The Shack”.
Our thoughts become our behavior, start taking back your thoughts from those who are treating you badly and in the next post I will talk about morals….
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes; you will be resurrected whole and renewed.
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