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There Is Life After Divorce
A married woman becomes single for one of two reasons: death or divorce. The former is a noble trait, the latter is not.
When a woman loses her husband by death, all the neighbors gather together and give food and whatever help they can give in terms of repairing the house or cleaning or whatever is needed. They are ready to give comfort and a shoulder to cry on. He is there for the widow and includes her in their activities, sympathizing with her now that she is alone.
However, things are very different when a marriage breaks up due to infidelity or divorce. This immediately puts the woman in a new category. She is changed, it seems, from a married woman to a divorced woman. Being one of the many, part of a group of women who are used and discarded, who are considered suspicious by all who are still well protected in the womb of their marriage.
People tend to leave him. Invitations to meetings will end. It seems that women think that their men will be attracted to the idea of ”a woman to be found” and so the women who used to be friends leave and leave him alone with his tears and his fears. There is no cooked food and no help. Men are kept at home unless they do, because that is the image of a divorcee. The men cannot be safe. They can destroy other marriages.
We always read jokes about a lonely divorcee who invites the mailman, the milkman, or the Maytag repairman to his house with the intention of seducing him. (A joke made, I’m sure, by a man who has never known the humiliation and pain of being a divorcee.) Maybe he seduces them one after the other, for such is the life of a “common divorcee”. right? Freed from the bonds of marriage, with unsatisfied needs and desires, the divorced want to fill the void; or at least that’s the popular image. And so instead of invitations to parties or neighborhood restaurants that used to be given to this couple and their family, there is an empty mailbox, and the phone is silent. They check from time to time to make sure it is still working.
The divorced person begins to feel as if he is not there; if, because he is no longer half of the relation, he ceases to be a part of the neighborhood. The women he used to call his girlfriend no longer call him. His children are not invited to play with the children of the neighbors. Maybe the women think that they are infected with the disease of divorce, as if it is a virus that can be caught, or maybe they just don’t know how to talk to a newly divorced woman. A divorced man, on the other hand, is often seen as more eligible and accepted at many parties. Her social life may increase, and because she rarely has children, her income is usually enough to keep her well.
However, life goes on. Bills still have to be paid, children still have to be fed and clothed. Housework that used to be done by two people is now done by one. If the children are old enough, they can step in and help with household chores such as dishes, preparing food and cleaning the house. Due to lack of money, the divorced person is often forced to look for a job and then has two jobs; one inside and one outside the house.
Sometimes the inner life doesn’t change much. For those who had husbands who used to go to work and come home at night and expect to wait for them, their work is reduced by one person, so this can be a blessing. But the availability of backup when he is really tired and the children are really disgusted with the problem. They have to face all the problems, tired or not.
Because he was ostracized by his neighbors, he seeks out other divorcees to be friends with, often building friendships and forming deep friendships that last for years as they share their daily struggles and successes. They get together with their children and pool their resources to have a family dinner. They help each other in finding jobs, solving problems, and fighting with their friends. They listen to each other and take care of each other’s children.
In some cases, due to a significant decrease in their income, divorcees are forced to apply for money from the regional government. This is known as Welfare or Mother’s Allowance. There they are told that they don’t have the right to have a phone or a car, or anything that they consider important, but the government considers valuable things, such as heating bills, at a given price. Widows, on the other hand, often receive pensions from their husbands’ wealth that they can use as they wish, without restrictions. Divorced people are told to sell the car and get rid of the phone, even if they live abroad. If they have a house, they may have to give it up and move the children to another place. Sometimes, in order to survive, they may use credit cards to buy things for their children that they feel they need for school and other activities. They cannot send their children on school trips or buy the clothes that the children need to fit and therefore their children may be laughed at because of the way they dress. When the children come home crying, they often feel guilty and wonder if they couldn’t make things right with their ex-husbands. They cry but try to hide their tears from their children, not wanting to hurt them.
When a divorcee replaces a full-time employee with a part-time employee, she must find a babysitter, organize everyone’s schedules and settle into her new life. She tries to find a boss who is willing to let her go to various special events at her children’s school and cries heartily when she can’t go to graduate school because of work, or when she can’t see her children receive sports. award, but he knows he is doing his best. He goes there in the evenings and weekends and hopes it will be enough.
When the divorced settles in life on his own, he can start to get benefits such as being able to go where he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. He has to think about himself, and his children, if he has them. In time the pain will lessen and the divorced person will reach out to others more, maybe even be willing to risk being in a relationship with another man.
It is possible that things have not really changed. She still struggles to pay the bills, provide for her children, yet finds her life full. Not the rumors of a divorced gay life, full of men or parties and a life of violence, but of love for his children, and maybe studying for a degree while doing a fulfilling job helping others. He has fought the storms of life and feels that he has won.
Yes, life goes on after a divorce, the pain and heartache that was there in the beginning gradually fades away and the divorced person finds the strength to survive, and more than that, to face whatever the future holds.
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