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Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is a valuable skill because it means you know how to work with, understand and get along with all kinds of people. Once you understand emotional intelligence, you can see the people around you who have it, and the people who don’t: at work, in politics, in the media, and in your neighborhood. The media uses both EI and EQ (like IQ) as shorthand for emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is similar to empathy. It is the ability to “read” the feelings of others, and respond in an appropriate way. Emotionally intelligent people succeed because they form good connections with others, they are trusting and loving. By understanding how and when to be empathetic, supportive, direct, and trusting or gentle with people, they trust you and learn to rely on you. This creates a foundation for business and personal interactions that form lasting, productive relationships.
To develop emotional intelligence, you must learn to focus not only on your own wants and needs, but the wants and needs of others. This requires learning to delay gratification, patience, and concern for more than just the bottom line. Emotional intelligence is also essentially emotional maturity, which means your mind can manage your emotions. According to Goleman, the five characteristics of emotional intelligence are: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy and Social Skills.
• Self-awareness: People with high EI understand their emotions, and because of that, they don’t let their feelings rule them. They know the difference between feelings and thoughts, and can use thoughts to moderate feelings, without ignoring or dismissing them. They are confident—because they trust their intuition and good judgment, which is a result of using feelings and smart thinking to assess situations. People with emotional intelligence want to take an honest look at themselves, see themselves realistically. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and work on those areas to do better. They have a positive, realistic view of themselves, which means they have reasonable standards for their own good behavior. They care about others, but they are not co-dependent. They can set limits for self-protection. This self-awareness is an essential foundation of EI.
• Self-regulation: Also known as self-control and impulse control, this is the ability to control emotions and impulses. Self-controlled people usually do not allow themselves to become too angry or jealous; they don’t have temper tantrums or hysterical outbursts and don’t make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act or react. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no. They are good at delayed gratification, they understand that waiting for what they want can bring better results. They operate on an internal code of ethics rather than a standard of behavior imposed from blood.
• Motivation: People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. They are willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They are very productive, love a challenge, and are very efficient in whatever they do. They understand that motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, and they want to motivate themselves and others when appropriate.
• Empathy: This is the ability to identify and understand the desires, needs, and opinions of those around you. Empathic people are good at recognizing other people’s feelings, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empaths are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotypes and judge too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way. They show generosity and benevolence, and a positive attitude towards others.
• Social skills: Good social skills are another sign of high EI. They know how to collaborate, to be team players. Rather than focusing on their own success first, they understand that success comes from helping others develop and shine. They can manage arguments, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships. In addition to empathy based on these social skills, people with high EI are also good at patience, generosity, reliability, gratitude, empathy and are emotionally responsive.
Here’s how to recognize emotional intelligence in yourself and others:
1. What is an indication someone has no EQ whatsoever?
He has no idea how to respond to a statement or question about emotions. “How do you feel about…” only elicits what he thinks, if anything.
2. What are the disadvantages of being in a relationship with someone who has little or no emotional intelligence? It is not very satisfying, because we all like to have emotional understanding and empathy. It also means the person will not be good at listening or empathizing with your experience.
3. If we cannot detect any emotional intelligence, should we distance ourselves from the person?
If the relationship is going well, it will be fine. This question will not matter. If you are frustrated by a lack of emotional intelligence, and everything else is OK, you could try to teach it, draw it from your friends, family or partner, but it requires a lot of patience. It’s like explaining the feelings of a three-year-old.
4. What if the person has some EQ? What can you do to help them develop more EQ?
Be very responsive and supportive when his EQ appears. If he does something thoughtful, be sure and express your gratitude. If he listens to you or someone else with empathy, praise him for it.
5. How can we encourage others to continue to be emotionally and spiritually present?
Be emotionally responsive to him or her. Give him room to respond to you emotionally and thoughtfully; don’t be patient, he’s not very emotionally intelligent.
6. Why are people with good EQ desirable?
High emotional intelligence creates closeness, comfort, empathy and affection in your relationship. It is easy to have fun or share feelings with someone with high EQ. You can count on a high EQ person to be kind and considerate.
To develop emotional intelligence:
Before starting any new encounter or activity, take the following steps:
1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Does just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your purpose: You are there to enjoy the people there and have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about yourself? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversational skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will radiate that positive energy.
4. Have a positive outlook: Research shows that people with a positive outlook have a better life, in part because a positive attitude is attractive and good, and people are attracted to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you support yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect with others. Plus, you feel better about yourself, which means you feel more worthy of friends. It’s a positive spiral, and it goes up and up.
5. Be interesting: Wear clothes that are attractive, but interesting, that reflect who you are. If you like to travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic origin, or a hobby (sports, outdoors, a Hawaiian shirt and snowboard, tools for gardening or an animal print). It will help start conversations. Match your energy with the energy of those around you. Obviously, if you’re dancing or barbecuing by the pool, the energy level will be very high. Whether you’re having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, taking a class, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be gentler and more focused.
6. Be careful: Look around you, and seek to make friends. Notice who is around you and what is interesting or attractive about them, find something interesting about what they are wearing, and complement it. “My apologies, but I couldn’t help noticing that gorgeous color; it looks great on you.” or, “What an interesting watch! Does it have a story?”
7. Prepare in advance: Read on for some fascinating topics to talk about like what they do in a hit movie, some new technological advancement, or a cool new trend. Then when someone wants to talk to you, you will have something to say.
8. Find a way to help: What needs to be done that you might like? If you are in a new environment, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: greeting people and showing them around, or keeping the dinner table stocked, or refilling drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you will be busy enough to keep your nerves at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.
9. Follow up: If you meet someone you’d like to get to know better, follow up the event or meeting with an invitation for coffee. Best friends start in these social situations.
Emotionally intelligent conversations are like tennis matches. That is, the other person “uses” him to ask a question or make a statement. Then you “volley” back and answer the question with the type of answer that invites a response. For example:
Read: “How do you know our hostess?”
You: “We went to school together. I love Pam’s friendship, don’t you?”
This invites your partner to respond, and keep the “volley” away. If the conversation thread ends, the next “serve” is yours. If you have to restart the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the “work” of the conversation, it will move on quickly. A one-syllable answer is a very clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be so. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.
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