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Ferrets: Better Than Babies?
Can’t afford a Lexus? Get a Honda. Don’t have time for delivery? Today There are many times when we have to make substitutions for things we might want. After all, this is not Plato’s world in ideal form or Mr. Roger’s make-believe country, this is reality, a place where one must sometimes settle for the second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have talked about the pros and cons of parenting many times, but they still don’t commit: not enough room, too much debt, not enough income, not enough job stability. In addition, there is too much poop, not enough freedom, too much stress, etc. etc. etc. What did we agree on? Well ferrets of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make and it’s easy to make some clever comparisons between babies and ferrets. So I was wondering: Are ferrets a legitimate baby substitute?
Obviously the human species has a strong physical and psychological urge to reproduce and doing so is satisfying for a number of different reasons. Obviously, a ferret does not provoke exactly the same kind of emotional reaction in a mother as when she looks at her biological child. Nor can you teach your ferret how to play the French horn and have the opportunity to shine with abundant pride while attending his first concert. No, there are many things a ferret just can’t do for you. There are still some things ferrets can help with if you just don’t have money, time or desire to dive into parenting. Here is a list of ways Ferrets provide reasonable support for human babies.
1. Baby Poo:: Fierce Poop
If you just love cleaning up poop but hate dealing with all the diapers, flailing legs and common baby cries, a ferret may be just the thing for you. Brothers poop as much or more than human babies but you don’t have to change their diapers, you don’t have to smell their accidents, and you never have to potty train them when they get older.
2. Baby Sleep:: Fierce Sleep
Babies are cute when they sleep, however, this is only relative to the hell-spawn they looked like while awake. Ferrets are also pure adorable while sleeping. They nestle in your laundry, cuddle together, stick out their tongues, and stretch out in the shape of a capital letter U. Plus, they’re actually cuter when they first wake up. Instead of screams and smells you meet with yawns and some precious precious stretches. Finally, ferrets sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day, which means they are cute up to 83% of the day! WOW!
3. Babies Need Protection:: Fierces Need Protection
Much of the satisfaction of parents comes from the pride one takes in successfully preventing a less intelligent organism from killing itself. Human babies, being essentially useless tubes of flesh for the first years of their lives, provide the maximum opportunity in this regard. Sure, babies can kill themselves when they sleep poorly, but ferrets do some pretty suicidal things too. For example, a ferret will rush to its death in your arms if you don’t hold it. A ferret will also ingest any number of indigestible, poisonous and/or dangerous objects if given the chance, allowing plenty of opportunities for their handlers to feel indispensable.
4. Babies Impress guests:: Ferrets Impress guests
If you are like most parents you probably feel the need to rub your baby in everyone’s face after a minor accomplishment like blowing milk bubbles, or pronouncing the letter “H.” Pride is also phenomenal at letting you pretend you deserve to be gloating. Party tricks are great and most ferrets can learn to roll over and/or play dead to make your guests positively tickled in disbelief. Ferrets are constantly begging for treats jumping into your lap and trying to climb up your arms and legs. This completely selfish behavior is fortunately interpreted as a strong emotional bond between pet and owner. “Look,” you may say, “he’ll even lick that ice cream right off my nose!” Follow that up with a healthy spell of giggles and you’ve made your case.
In close pet ferrets and biological children are strikingly similar. For long you just can’t beat a human baby with a stick. But if you compare the first five years of parenthood spent in a near-manic state of perpetual sleep deprivation and arguing with your spouse to five years as a carefree ferret owner, it makes you wonder: Could it be? Are ferrets better than babies?
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