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Daily Requirements for Coping With the Death of a Loved One
“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is your own transformation.”
Whenever I speak publicly about grief I often start with an old Chinese proverb, one of my favorites: “You can’t stop the birds of grief from flying over your head, but you can stop them from building nests in your hair.” There is much wisdom in these words. Grief encompasses us all and yet we can learn to adapt to the great changes it brings.
Adapting to the physical absence of a loved one depends primarily on what we choose to tell ourselves and ultimately on what we always do. There are many answers that have proven useful in adapting to a great loss depending on many individual factors. Here are five that have proven their worth in many ways over the years.
1. Self-expression. Regardless of what some well-meaning people have written, letting out what’s inside them on a regular basis is healthy, both physically and emotionally. It means finding people you trust and sharing what’s going on inside on any given day. Refuse to be a prisoner of your thoughts and the distress that often goes with them. Self-expression also includes talking to your Higher Power as many people do or even to your loved one in spirit. Bottom line: Release the normal buildup of emotions that affect every cell in your body. Write, draw, or paint to further enable what is released.
2. balance sadness and timeouts. Perhaps the most common misunderstanding about the grieving process is that one should continuously focus on their sadness. Since your body listens carefully to every thought you generate, the constant focus on the stress of sadness without a timeout, guarantees eventual immune system deficiency. Consequently, the result will be health decline. Colds, the flu, headaches, stomach problems, etc. are common when there is grief. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and finding a way to relax. Do what gives you a temporary release from sadness so your body can recharge. For at least 20 minutes a day, commit to seeking peace and reflection.
3. Love. Without giving and receiving love every day you will increase unnecessary suffering and lose the most powerful survival response to adapt to loss. Loving even when you are grieving will strengthen your inner life forever. Everything starts with loving yourself. You are a unique person made in the image of God. Respect yourself and everything you come in contact with is essential to love well. We all need love, both those who grieve and those who care. Learn how you can develop new ways to show acceptance and appreciation to others.
Additionally, focus on how you could express love to those who are no longer physically present with you. The American playwright Thornton Wilder wrote, “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love … the only survival, the only meaning.” Learn all you can about how to love through a breakup while building a new relationship with your loved one. Also, be sure to show love to those who are helping you on your difficult journey. Ask yourself, “What do they need?”
4. Self-respect. You are the most important resource you have in reaching the goal of adapting to your great loss. Take care of your physical and emotional needs. Too often, people who are grieving tend to increase their consumption of caffeine, alcohol, and junk food which has a direct effect on brain function. The need to protect your physical self, especially brain maintenance, will reduce physical pain and provide energy to adapt to all new circumstances to be faced. Make sure you drink enough spring water every day to prevent unrecognized chronic dehydration. Start the day by drinking 8 oz. A handful of protein at all three meals will slowly raise blood sugar levels and energy. An omega-3 supplement will help you feel better physically. Make every effort to avoid sugar and high-fructose corn syrup that negatively affect the brain.
5. Participation. Interacting with others you trust on a daily basis will generate much-needed hope for the future. Grieving people often isolate themselves and in doing so prolong intense suffering. The feeling of connection is a powerful survival force. Love in separation, prayer, and for those who care for them ensures connection and movement towards inner peace. Decide which organizations or groups you can join as well as new interests you can generate to broaden your spectrum of connections. Then here’s the key: schedule daily connections as you learn to adapt to the physical absence of your loved one.
Grief is seductive and can turn us away from a way to deal with change. Never forget, start each day with the determination that you will make it in the next 24 hours. Create an affirmation to use silently to strengthen your inner life. Then live the day as your loved one would encourage you.
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