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When Your Mother-In-Law Seems Impossible
Your mother-in-law said something like this:
a) thank you,
b) eager to criticize,
c) intrusive ideas,
e) the crazy woman talking.
Will you yell, complain, get angry or leave the room? Do you cry, be gentle or put up with the dog that is hurt? Are you sarcastic, aggressive or stubbornly quiet? This answer may seem reasonable, but another approach may be more effective. You can refuse to respond to violence with violence. You can, strange as it may be, practice the principles of Aikido.
Aikido, one of the martial arts, is a method of self-defense while also protecting the attacker from injury. The word Aikido, Wikipedia says, may mean “The way of harmony.”
Okay, you may be wondering why you want to protect yourself from hurting someone who just insulted you. Unless your grandmother really is a crazy woman, there’s a good chance that her words have less to do with you than with her. Some of the pain that he holds inside him will make his behavior disagreeable. The odds are very good that even though the pain may be caused by you, it is not caused by you.
Mother-in-law’s seemingly inexplicable behavior may be caused by an inappropriate view of the way the world should be. When the world does not reject it, your mother-in-law will be angry and blame you. Never mind whether this is fair or not, it’s the truth you have to deal with. So how can you deal with it in the way that causes the least damage to both of you?
Aikido does not turn the cheek or ignore the target of violence. Instead, it invites cooperation – cooperation that turns the opponent’s power to your advantage. Here’s a way to understand the concept: You push me, I push back. We are locked in a push competition. Instead, if you push me, I step to the side. I used to be weak, and you suddenly out-balanced.
How can we stop or use the power of his struggle to turn the mother-in-law to another place? How does Aikido provide a better way to deal with complaints? Here are some examples of responses that aim to use Aikido principles to release the energy of the struggle and turn the conversation into a more positive one:
1. Change the awareness of the struggle. “Hmmm, you think (repeat the complaint). Tell me why you think that since I know your son (or daughter) doesn’t think that.”
2. Know the difference and search for it. “It’s like, we have differences. That’s not good or bad, it’s just different. Can we learn to accept our differences?”
3. Give respect and ask for respect. “I respected your life since it came to the person I chose to marry, now I ask you to respect the way we live our lives. We need you in our lives, but we want that you allow us to choose the ones that are right for us without judgment or criticism, when we need your good advice, I promise we will ask.”
4. Set up the conversation you want to have. “You know, I want to have a good relationship with you. I know it’s important to your daughter (or son), but it’s important to me too. It didn’t go in that direction right away what?
In stressful times, it can be difficult to gather our wisdom, find our voice and respond without defensiveness. If we feel beaten, the natural thought is a fight or competition. But with a little planning and some deep breathing, he was able to turn the conversation around. In order to do so, we must be able to “go to the balcony,” that is, to rise above what is happening on the ground, to look at it with a distance that gives us some perspective and decide how to respond with our evolved brains, not our mammalian brains.
Will trying to follow Aikido principles always work? Probably not, but there is a very good chance that he can improve the strength and make a good character on all sides. When we speak the truth to each other, when we speak with love and without fear or anxiety, we can truly communicate, not just send messages from each other.
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