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We’re Complicated When Our Thoughts Are Backdated – Being Human and Growth Through Challenge
So, don’t beat yourself up just because you are human. Superman and superwoman are cartoons. I even work with monks and spiritual teachers who are human. So, lets start this blog by relaxing into the wonderful realisation that just because you are going through some drama, it doesn’t mean you are bad, stupid, stuffed up, wrong, broken or being punished. That’s crap.
Ok, now we have that ridiculous notion of a normal healthy person always being supported in the Universe (that’s Deepak Chopra marketing program and totally fictional) we can talk about handling stuff that comes our way, as it must, in the best possible way.
First, witness the escape routes that are available when a human being faces challenges that, as we’ve clearly put, are normal and human to face.
Escape routes are ways to deny that we are being challenged, confronted, divorced, separated, incompetent, frustrated, sick, overweight, broken down or imbalanced.
There are four escape routes humans use to avoid facing up to the opportunity of challenge. They are generically.
1. Food – this includes all substances such as alcohol, coffee, fat food, fast food, greasy food, sugar, salt, excess food, not enough food, drugs, medications, and health food. All of these create a false sense of reality when taken to excess, or to avoid the opportunity of challenge and that’s why they are the fastest growing market segment in consumer society.
2. Greed – this includes attachment to children, success, wealth, fashion, ideas, business, status, face, ego, identity. Greed is defined when we use the materials around us to present to the world a “who we are” – rather than turn up as the challenged human being we really are. Greed is not the having of material abundance but the intention of masking ourselves in the facade of success, wealth, family, children, appearance, thoughts, morals and ethics. Hence, greed does include a fanatical attachment to religion as well as things.
3. Sex – who we bonk, who we flirt with can become the primary definition of who we are, when, under pressure of challenge we wish to self deceive. Bonking somebody handsome or beautiful can make us feel that we’re actually taking on some of the characteristics of that individual, a sense of transference, and that all our problems and discomforts are diminished. The sexual obsession is simply the intensifying of that internal discomfort and the more potent need for it’s replenishment. This includes: fliting and bonking.
4. Spirituality – Rarely has there been a more fictitious haven for the challenged soul than spirituality. Here, the challenged individual might find thousands of ways to avoid the opportunity of their discomforts by meditation, yoga, philosophy, prayer, austeer practices, weird judgements of the mainstream, and more… It is, without question the greatest bastion for global lunatics, all masked and decorated in robes that diminish discomfort.
Why do we choose a substitute – an escape route and why wouldn’t we seize on golden gifts of opportunity to capitalise on the moments of discomfort in our lives?
WE sell ourselves to the world, and develop a huge sense of our self value based on what other people think. Social conditioning would suggest that a messed up challenged person is not “a success” and so, we end up marketing who we want people to think we are, rather than value our own authenticity.
Our body seeks pleasure, avoids pain. The more fragile this equation is, the less prepared a person will be to enter the opportunities provided by challenge. Pain avoidance and pleasure seeking is consumerism. Everything from medication to fast food, cars, holidays and dating agencies (including prostitution) are based on the body’s search for pleasure and it’s escape from pain. As we know, there is no such sustainable reality, but this seems to slip right past the average mass. Hence, escape routes are an avoidance of the pain underneath which is life itself, happiness, joy, inspiration and true love.
Everybody leads somebody. Leadership in it’s simplest form is a form of control and power. There’s synthetic leadership, like the one a parent exerts on a 14 year old youth who has lost respect for the parent. In that case the parent inflicts control like “while you live under this roof you’ll do what I say.” Under this model of “synthetic leadership” whether at work or at home, the individual cannot let go of control, cannot surrender into pain for the exploration of new awareness, and instead, builds a shield out of substitutes. Real leadership on the other hand emanates from the “adding of value” and to add value, real value that leader needs to be one step ahead of those they lead. In real terms this is not control but the constant everyday growth they are getting from celebrating frustration, divorce, challenge, breakage, failure, incompetence. The lower we go in the dark world of exploring challenges – the higher we go in leadership.
Without doubt, this is the daddy of them all. When we do not have a reason to face challenge, we don’t. When I was 15 my girlfriend dumped me. I was devastated and went to great extremes to punish the world and prove that I was still a hero. I had no real reason to want to face that ugly space of grief or heart ache. Simply, I used all four escape routes and hated her guts, (which is self hate externalised). Three years later, I had a dream, I’d met a woman who had changed my life by asking me, “what’s possible Chris?” This lady and I only dated for a few months but in that time, nature bought me an angel to confront my expectations, to wake up the possibilities for my lift. When we broke up, I was heartbroken, I was shattered, and instead of the 15 year old boy using escape routes, I sat on the end of my bed and cried. I wept tears of pain at first, then I wept tears of thankfulness. Instead of escape the pain, I let it in, let it do it’s work and let it out when the time was right. That took a few hours. It was different now only because where I was going with my life was my authenticity, not what people thought, how long my love lasted, not what I wanted people to identify me as, but the journey I was on. It gave me the courage to feel.
Dealing with Challenge, incompetence, failure, sadness, disappointment, stress,heart break.
It is normal and human to feel the pain of life and it is normal for a human being to go through challenge. That in fact is the definition, the real one, of the Love of God. Support and Challenge.
What makes today’s events more difficult to deal with is accumulated affects of unfinished business from the past.
When we use a substitute or escape route to avoid feeling challenged, or to feel better in spite of it, we don’t get rid of the issue or the challenge, we actually stick the issue in big sack and that sack hangs over our shoulder for weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
Now lets say, “your partner leaves you” and there’s pain. The pain of the event is bad enough, but what happens is that the pain of this event has every unfinished event from the whole of your life bundled up with it. Once you open that bag of worms and really get hit by a painful challenge, all the stuff that’s been substituted and escaped over from your past jumps out too.
That’s why people get sick. They avoid and avoid and avoid, and substitute, and escape until that sack of stuff from their life is weighing them down so much that they can’t even imagine the future. They just turn up the “pleasure me” substitute escape. But it’s never too late to process and catch up.
In an ideal world you’ll be processing today’s challenges today, and therefore be creating a future based on a baggage free opportunity, new, fresh, love and life filled with challenge and support.
But the accumulation of yesterdays, incomplete yesterdays, might build – though greed, a huge financial reserve, still means that every challenge will become far bigger than it needs to be. Making mountains out of molehills is an easily observed human characteristic of accumulated baggage. Ask these questions and see:
How long does it take to get over a separation? 1 year, 1 month, 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour, 1 second?
How long does it take to process a challenge? 1 hour, 1 minute?
How long does is take to grow from incompetence?
How long does it take to move on from one relationship to the next?
How long does it take to grieve a death?
How long does it take to recover from a work stress?
Ask these questions and see for yourself that in a fast changing world that’s evolving faster and faster, how our paradigms, models, religious teachings, therapies and process have been left behind, held in the grip of commercial objectives and “the old guard” of “we are what we think.”
How do we grow from challenges so we don’t get stuck carrying baggage from the past?
Feel, Real, Seal, Heal
1. Feel – Feel to be real
Too many people are interested in getting to the end of a challenge, solving the mechanical problems and getting back on the bike without checking that the wheels aren’t going to fall off in the next hill. Stop, feel, hurt, be real. Ache, cry, cuddle someone, share your feelings with a confidant (not always your partner and certainly not someone you work with). Give yourself time to feel the hurt and let it hit the spot – that way, any old stuff that’s clogging up the pipes will flush out too. (sometimes nice to be in nature and alone away from inquisitive eyes)
2. Real – Feel thankful for it.
There are many of us who don’t want to surrender, we’ve learned to stand on our own two feet and be our own “rock of Gibraltar.” but there’s a whole other half of living that is so important for growth on a daily basis and that is the surrendering your head space to a higher order. In that space, you are loved. Now, religious fanatics think this is “conditional love” which simply means if they be good they are worthy and if they feel bad they are not. Really kneeling means being thankful to the stars and all that shines, for all the shit, all the good stuff, all the challenge and support in your life. That’s called real feel and it’s always a thank you for bringing on the challenges. No solutions at this stage just appreciation for the golden opportunity to grow as a human and be more connected to your soul. (more love in your life)
3. Seal – Seal off the Escape routes – Wish people Well
It’s all too easy to blame, be logical, get all moral, be all high and mighty when someone nails you to the fence, but the old story about Jesus is best remembered in Monty Python, the Life of Brian. “Let just look on the bright side of life.” The only person who dies young, loses their hair, gets saggy breasts and feels exhausted from anger and blame is the angerer, the blamer. Wish people well, wish them thanks, wish them happiness, be thankful because nobody does to you more than you do to yourself. So, somebody dumps on you on the outside, it’s just nature’s way of showing you what’s going on inside. If you take the chance to grow, the challenger is, in fact, your angel. (guru)
4. Heal – Grow yourself bigger each day – Unlearn
In Asia Karma is considered a pretty standard piece of everyday life. In the West, punishment by God runs most people’s subconscious. What it means, in both examples is that if you’ve learned something about right and wrong, and done something wrong, even if you’ve justified it as necessary, you’ll attract humbling circumstances. We beat ourselves up (sort of called “a conscience) This right and wrong is taken as truth, when in fact, right and wrong are social morals, ethics and codes of behaviour implemented by religious and social controllers to cause communities to function in a healthy way. Hence, there’s a deeper layer to life than what we’ve learned. To access that deeper layer, and therefore grow in love and inspiration from each challenge, rather than change our behaviour, it is wiser to change our learning. In other words, unlearn. We unlearn by listing 8 columns, too complex to explain here, but as an overview, we ask what is the upside of social downside, and what is downside of social upside. Like there are two sides to everything and here, we want to know both, not just half the story.
All this process achieves nothing. WE learn from the past, we grow through challenge for one reason, and one reason only and that is so we can GIVE MORE.
Give more leadership, give more love, give more happiness, give more health, give more.
For most people give more equates to get more.
But that’s a distorted and juvenile model of life.
Give more means this. Like you go to the pub for a beer, you put your glass under the tap and fill it, but you forget to turn off the tap, and the beer overflows, Everybody sees the overflow and runs over and puts their glass under yours. Now, there’s really free beer because it’s not being delivered glass for glass, individualised and personalised, it’s overflow and once your glass is filled, and if there’s excess, there’s no problem with everyone taking what they need, because you have plenty.
So, we fill our heart with life, and what’s left over, goes to those who need, want, would love it. It’s unconditional until you get to your next challenge, when, if you work your way through it by Feel, real, seal and heal, you get back to abundance again.
That’s why people often struggle with purpose and vision. They are asking “what’s best for me” because they are stuck in the habit of “never enough” – discontent.
To find our purpose and vision, we must start in the place of CONTENTMENT… I Have it all.
And from that place, and only that place are we calm enough for the feather to drop into our hands.
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